Jealousy is certainly one thing I hate! I mean really hate! It's one trait I so wish I didn't have but I do. It's not jealousy in my marriage or even the fact that Matt is away. Although seeing other families really bugs me but I can handle that because thats normal. It's jealousy over material things. Which goes right through me. Why do I feel this way? I am so blessed. I have 3 beautiful children,wonderful husband,health. Why am I doing this??? I almost feel embarrassed by this. I guess it's only human nature but gosh I really do not like it! I have noticed just the last few weeks jealousy has taken me over. Alot I think has to do with the things I can't get done with the house. I just never have enough time to get all I want done done! When we first moved in we did so much here & I remember thinking of all the things we wanted to do & I just can't do them. Then again maybe it's PMS! LOL!!! I have been praying about this because I just don't want to be this way. I want to be happy for others & happy about me. Just being me! Lately I have questioned who I am as a mother,wife & all around person. No reason really. Noone did anything to make me feel this way but the feelings just there. I seem to start everyday with things I want to do as far as cleaning or even time with the kids. It never seems to go that way. I am starting to ask am I a good enough mother? Am I doing all I can for my husband? I don't want to have to ask myself these questions. I want to know I'm doing the best I can. At times I do but lately I just keep questioning these things. Maybe it's the fact of doing this all alone right now. I just all these ideas for things but they never get passed the "idea" but why? I see mothers with kids who have careers. I'm not even working & I can't even keep my sink empty. I just don't understand it because I'm nowhere near lazy. I mean I'd love to be:) but it's just not possible. It's not that I'm asking for the white picket fence story tale life. I just want to go to bed one night not thinking I should have done more.....Maybe someday!
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Posted by Courtney at 9:19 PM