Tuesday, June 20, 2006


Jealousy is certainly one thing I hate! I mean really hate! It's one trait I so wish I didn't have but I do. It's not jealousy in my marriage or even the fact that Matt is away. Although seeing other families really bugs me but I can handle that because thats normal. It's jealousy over material things. Which goes right through me. Why do I feel this way? I am so blessed. I have 3 beautiful children,wonderful husband,health. Why am I doing this??? I almost feel embarrassed by this. I guess it's only human nature but gosh I really do not like it! I have noticed just the last few weeks jealousy has taken me over. Alot I think has to do with the things I can't get done with the house. I just never have enough time to get all I want done done! When we first moved in we did so much here & I remember thinking of all the things we wanted to do & I just can't do them. Then again maybe it's PMS! LOL!!! I have been praying about this because I just don't want to be this way. I want to be happy for others & happy about me. Just being me! Lately I have questioned who I am as a mother,wife & all around person. No reason really. Noone did anything to make me feel this way but the feelings just there. I seem to start everyday with things I want to do as far as cleaning or even time with the kids. It never seems to go that way. I am starting to ask am I a good enough mother? Am I doing all I can for my husband? I don't want to have to ask myself these questions. I want to know I'm doing the best I can. At times I do but lately I just keep questioning these things. Maybe it's the fact of doing this all alone right now. I just all these ideas for things but they never get passed the "idea" but why? I see mothers with kids who have careers. I'm not even working & I can't even keep my sink empty. I just don't understand it because I'm nowhere near lazy. I mean I'd love to be:) but it's just not possible. It's not that I'm asking for the white picket fence story tale life. I just want to go to bed one night not thinking I should have done more.....Maybe someday!



Shionge said...

Hey I am sorry to hear about your thoughts at this moment. Maybe it is just the chores that is wearing you down now.

You are doing well while your hubby is away now. Take care and my thoughts are with you.

Michelle said...

I think it's natural to always question whether you're doing your best. I also think that it's good to that. I know that being the best is something that we all strive to be. The best you can do is give your all. You are doing that, and I think you're doing a wonderful job. Not everyone can hold down a household, raise children and be a devoted wife all while their husband is gone. I will pray that God gives you the time to accomplish the things that you want to. Big hugs!

kbug said...

Girl, I know where you're coming from. I've been there/done that and beat myself up for not getting more done, but.....

There were five kids in my family. We were very close together in age, some of us only a year apart. Needless to say, our dear mother was very busy taking care of us and keeping house. She was so busy that I didn't really get to know her well until after I became a mother myself. When I did, I swore to myself that I would never spend so much time keeping the house clean that I wouldn't get to know my kids and have them know who I was. My house stayed dirty most of the time until they grew up, but we went skating, rode bikes, played baseball, went to the library, went to the zoo, visited grandparents, fed the ducks, went camping... together...and my boys know who I am and I know them. I sometimes regretted that my house was such a mess, but I never regretted having the extra time with my boys. And you know what, the house is pretty clean now and looks no worse for all those years of dust everywhere. Some things are more important than a clean house. Have no regrets...as long as you have time for your kids...that's the most important thing ever..... :)

janice said...

I understand!! I struggle with the jealousy thing and feelings of inadequacy when i don't have a clean house etc. I get jealous of material things - like houses. I live in a beautiful little house - but it is not ours. We don't own it. My mom does. We could never afford to live here. (Housing here is insane - you don't want me to tell you how much it would cost to live in this house.) We can't even afford to own a townhouse in our neighbourhood since I quit my job. My hubby makes decent money, but housing is just insane here. Add that to the price of gas and vehicles and the rest of the items on the budget and nope. Can't do it.

So I am often sick with house envy. I look at all these women who live in houses that are worth even more than this one and feel pangs of jealousy. I just want to own a decent house in a nice neighbourhood. (But for us to own we would have to move to a much less desirable neighbourhood and I love it here. I am two blocks from my twin sister.) It is so evil and so destructive this envy. I have really conquered a lot of it lately and I am not struggling as much as I was. But it is hard.

As for how you are doing - you are doing great! You husband is away - that is hard girl!!! Don't be so hard on yourself. (Great - now I have Seal in my head!)

Emily said...

ARgh. Just wrote a long comment and it didn't post!

The point of it is that I love seeing your beauty come out in your characteristics, and just because you don't have EVERYTHING you have the most beautiful rubies and diamonds in your crown that are just for you. God created you the way you are and it's not Him who tries to tell you to do more before you're adequate... think about that for a while.
And remember: I think you're doing just a great job in life. You are so beautiful! Keep shining!

Charla said...

Hey girl, I too have been obsessing over trying to keep my house perfectly spotless, to the point that I actually get mad at my kids for playing with my toys. I have actually caught myself yelling at them for bringing out toys or books, just because I had just cleaned up and I didn't want the room messed up again. I've really been struggling with this a lot. I don't like the person I've become at all, moody and stressed out to the point of yelling at my own kids, for simply being kids. K bug's comment really touched my heart because I haven't spent much time with my kids because I've spent my time obsessing over keeping my house perfectly spotless to impress other people! But those other people don't matter. All that matters is that we spend as much time as possible enjoying our kids. They need us, and that's all that's really important.

You are a wonderful mom Courtney! You are doing an amazing job keeping up with 3 kids and taking care of bills and errands and family matters. Try to cut yourself some slack. You are doing the best that you can, we all see it and I'm sure Matt sees it too! Take care hun. We're all here for you!

Love ya,

Sandra said...

Court I too suffered from the same thing....but the first thing you need to realize is that there is no perfect way of doing things and there is no perfect mother and wife.

It's natural to question if you're doing your best, I do it constantly.

A few years ago I was consumed with jealousy over a lot of things, and mainly family. I would see my neighbors and friends have their families near them, helping them or babysitting and I went through everything alone. I had no one here when my kids were born, no one to help me during the miscarriages, hubby was deployed a few times and I didn't even have a car to drive. It was just consuming me and I was depressed all the time.

I finally decided to just let it go, if I get my house clean, good, if not, who cares???
Others may have a nicer house than me, but are they as happy as I am??

Just embrace what you have sweetie, you are such a great mom, wife and friend, never forget that.
You're doing a great job while Matt is away, just focus on that and let the other stuff just slip away.
I love ya girl,
Sandra :)